self confidence?

No idea what drove me to write about this post, but anyway, as mentioned above, I've decided to talk about self confidence today! 

To be honest, I do not think I have a high self-confidence level. To be honest, I don't think I have self-confidence at all. Hahah I guess I don't think I have any acheivements to be proud off. I mean like, growing up, I was constantly compared to my brother. He was the hardworking and bright student whereas I was the weak and lazy student. So I constantly get stuff like, "Why are you so lazy?" or "Why did you get such poor results? If only you have studied harder!". I guess that's where my confidence level started to drop. Since I was always weaker in my studies compared to my bro, I started believing that maybe I can only be second best my entire life. Not to mention my brother was already good looking ever since young and, well, I was short, fat and ugly. 

Then during my secondary school years, there were a few occasion that really struck me hard. I remember I was always kinda bad in my mathematics especially during my lower secondary years. So there was once where I almost failed my maths and that's when my dad scolded me the worst. I could actually feel his disappointment in the tone he was using. I was really heartbroken that time. I thought, why am I so terrible? How could I have let him down so much? And this was not just once, but a few times as well. And considering my siblings were all good in maths so this kinda made me upset even more. I guess this is when my confidence level started dropping. I was thinking, everyone's at least good in something, some in studies, some in sports, others in co-curricular activities. How come I'm good in nothing? 

But then the first time I studied chemistry I was really happy because I finally found a subject which I can really learn and absorb well. I was really proud of myself at that very moment. That's when some people started asking me to tutor them chemistry and I would gladly accept because I thought it'll be great to help them out. Up till one day one of my friends came up to me asked me a question on chemistry and I could not answer it. to quote him, "oh you dont know this? I thought you were brilliant in chemistry! ah well, nvm then. everyone have their flaws" and yes that totally broke my heart. 

haha so i guess that's how i ended up feeling kinda crappy about myself. whenever anyone tells me that i'm good in something i'll tell them that there are other people way better than me. Even for my stpm results. Good? I don't think so because other people are getting 4As. What am I to be proud of? So yea, half of the time I can hardly believe in myself and most of the time I don't feel confident at all. and all of these goes on for so long that eventually you'll get attached to such emotions and it's really hard to get rid of them.

and yes, I am worried about medical school, after all those discouraging words by relatives and friends. 

p/s: do i write better posts when I'm emo? lol!