Journal

An extract from the journal assignment that I write weekly

            For this week I’ve realized that I’m stressed about a lot of little things, and these many little stresses kind of accumulate and giving me an even bigger stress. Stuff like how my bicycle’s lock key snapped last Friday, how hot the weather temperature is lately and many other things.

          I guess some of my course mates have it easy. I feel like they don’t really understand how difficult it is for us people who are studying abroad from our hometown, without our parents and close relatives. I’m just glad I have Champ as my good friend because since he’s also not local, I guess he understands me the most. The others don’t really understand that we have to cook for ourselves, pay our own bills, budget every month’s allowance, do all the house chores by ourselves and etc. Like for example, sometimes they would plan an outing to go for movies or a karaoke session. It’s not that I do not like joining these sessions but then my allowance from JPA is still not here so what is happening is that basically I am surviving off my savings from last year and to be honest, it’s running out. That’s why I’m trying not to waste on unnecessary spending. But I guess they just don’t understand. When I tell them I have other expenses I need to cover they say I’m giving excuses.

          I guess that explains the fact that I get very annoyed whenever someone is not understanding towards other people. I don’t understand why they are so selfish and never put others in consideration at all. I mean, come on! The world clearly does not revolve around you, please be caring and think about others. Why is it that we must follow your suggestions? Why is it that we must agree to your opinions?

          There’s one thing that I have always been holding onto in life and that is I will rarely share my feelings with others. I am not a person who wears my heart on my sleeves and hence, you’ll rarely hear me sharing my problems and feelings with anyone. If I do share my problems with someone, that person will have to be someone I very much trust, someone like a best friend that I have that's a thousand miles away from me now. Sometimes it does get difficult as it is always a good thing to share my problems with someone but I feel like I do not have the right to pour out my problems to someone else since they have their own problems to handle as well. So the only way I vent is by writing and do pardon me if this journal sounds rather vent-y. I do hope you’ll understand.

             I guess another thing is that I rarely forgive myself for the wrongdoings that I’ve done. I won’t elaborate further on this topic as it’s a bit difficult for me but I am still trying to find ways to let go of this.